


just pretend

by liketheroad



Category: Disney RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-27
Updated: 2010-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 14:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4669490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liketheroad/pseuds/liketheroad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slurpees and secret dates</p>
            </blockquote>





	just pretend

Joe's not exaggerating when he says that he loves touring more than anything else. He does. He loves the stage and the screaming fans, loves the road and the chaos and the way everything changes, constantly in motion, except the family, except Nick.

Tour is home for Joe, it's life, and he loves it. He's grateful to God and to his brothers and to their fans that he can live this way almost every day.

But even loving it as much as he does, sometimes it's too much. Sometimes he just has to get away, just for a little while. Get away from the noise and the people, everywhere, all the time. Get away from the scrutiny and the fawning attention. Get away and just _be_ again. Just be Joe.

But of course to really be Joe, he has to be with Nick.

So he takes Nick along for the unauthorized hotel swims in the middle of the night, for the drives when Joe breaks from their caravan, taking random detours through whatever city they happen to be in, pretending later he just got lost, blaming the irresponsibility he's relied on for years to have some measure of freedom in his life. He takes Nick along when he sneaks out of hotel rooms and dressing rooms and practice spaces, ducking out of these obsessively monitored situations and grabbing lunch together, just going for a walk or for a hot dog on the street. Anything to be alone for awhile, to just be brothers for awhile, best friends and nothing more. No legions of fans and hundreds of people's expectations between them.

It's the only time Nick doesn't fight him, doesn't roll his eyes and huff in exasperation, reminding Joe they have responsibilities, pestering him to be serious, to have discipline. Nick's always been older than Joe, really. He was born that way, born with the heart and head of an adult, something Joe wonders if he'll ever be, but he doesn't worry about it much. It's his job to stay young, pull Nick back down with him, at least some of the time, and remind him there's so much fun to be had along the way, so much to enjoy. It's not about not working hard, or not appreciating what they've been given. Joe has no problem keeping both of those things always in his mind, but there's a way to do it. A way to appreciate the joy that comes along with the work, a way to be as young as they are and live in the moment, and it's always been his job to remind Nick of that.

So when it all gets to be too much, when Nick's not sleeping enough, not smiling enough, Joe grabs his wrist and winks at him, letting him know he's planning, telling him to be ready. When the moment comes, when Joe manages to parse out an hour in their schedule, or even sometimes less than that, just fifteen minutes to be alone together, to make Nick laugh, to put the world away for a little while, Nick is always ready, waiting, trusting. Every time when they get away, Joe feels pride deep in his chest, giddy exhilaration mixing in, and he smiles and laughs with it. So happy in his life they've made together, so proud to have Nick at his side.

\---

They're at a Starbucks in Dallas, going miraculously unnoticed. Nick drinks his coffee black and smirks over his cup, somehow still proud of the fact that he doesn't rely on all the milk and sugar Joe does to get the stuff down. Joe could care less about his manliness as calculated by the color of his coffee, but it gives Nick something smile about, so he sulks a little as he drinks, pretends it bothers him so Nick can enjoy his imagined victory.

He finishes his latte and looks at Nick, a little pale behind his smile.

Nick mouths the word, "girl," at Joe like he cares, like he doesn't wear purple and bracelets and sometimes seriously consider perfume instead of cologne, because, whatever, he likes the scents better. Who wouldn't rather smell like vanilla and passion fruit than old spices? 

Joe ignores him and gets up, muttering, "Did you check your levels? I'm getting you a muffin or something," and doesn't wait for Nick to protest.

He doesn't bother anyway; he knows Joe too well to think it'll do any good and at least some of the time that's a good enough reason for Nick not to argue. But he does say, quiet but firm enough for Joe to hear, "Be careful," like suddenly Joe's going to forget and do a back-flip in the middle of the cafe, shout his name, and blow the whole thing.

Contrary to popular belief, although not usually Nick's, Joe's not actually that stupid. He knows the first time they get caught is the last time they do this, and these times alone with Nick mean way too much to him to let that happen. Luckily, so far, they've managed to do okay. They don't usually even have to try too hard to fly under the radar, not when it's just the two of them. They're less visible when they're not three, that's part of it. But even when it's just them and Kevin, if they're ever actually out in public minus their compulsory entourage, they can sometimes manage to avoid detection. Not that that happens a lot, with just the three of them. They don't invite Kevin along for these excursions; they're special, a secret between them, but Joe guesses Kevin probably knows. Probably covers for them, even, in that way he has of putting up with whatever Joe and Nick ask of him, even if he disapproves, even if he wishes he didn't have to.

Joe knows he should feel more guilty about that, how much they leave Kevin out while still asking so much from him in return, but he never fights them, never asks for something different, and Joe can't be the minder of two brothers, he's never been that able. He looks after Nick, and Kevin looks after himself, and maybe it's not fair, but that's just the way it's always been. Kevin came first, after all. He was born into his role; they all were. Kevin came first and alone, but from the minute he was born, Nick had Joe to count on, to come to with anything, and Joe doesn't see any reason Nick should ever have to give that up. No matter what the cost to anyone else. Even to Kevin. Even to Joe.

He gets Nick his muffin without incident, slipping back into the chair across from him and handing it to him without comment. Nick starts eating obediently, smiling softly around bites.

He cracks his neck when he finishes, nudging Joe's knee with his own under the table and asking, as casually as he can manage, "How much?" Meaning how much time do they have, how much time left only together.

Joe checks his watch even though he keeps obsessive count of every moment they're away, and isn't surprised to discover it's not much. He frowns and shrugs, trying to soften it when he says, "About twenty. We should start walking."

They're only five minutes away from their hotel, but Joe always accounts for at least a fifteen minute margin of error. They might have to duck around a building, slip into an alley or another store if looks like someone recognizes them, they might see one of their people in the hotel lobby, the elevator back might be broken, something might get rescheduled at the last minute... the list goes on. 

Nick always leaves the planning up to Joe, and these might be the only times that's true, but that's just another reason why they're so important, so necessary. It's space for Nick to give up control, even for just a little while, and for that alone Joe knows all the risk is worth it.

Nick nods and they get going, always walking slower than they otherwise would, feet heavy like schoolboys with their books.

They make it back though, with plenty of time and it's enough that Joe wishes they'd walked slower, but then Nick catches his eye and his smile seems to thank Joe the way it always does, silent but so clear, when one of their outings is at at end, and all other thoughts are driven from Joe's mind as he smiles back.

\---

They room together like always, but that night Nick crawls into bed with Joe, burrowing straight into the covers without the traditional pretense of their evening talks, the habitual way they slip into sleeping side by side. They can allow themselves the luxury of that much closeness so long as it starts out with them sitting casually together on a made bed, helplessly compelled to tell each other about every moment they missed in the other's day, talking about things past and future, shared dreams blended into one. 

The day got long, after their stolen afternoon, tour starting in a matter of days, and Joe feels his exhaustion deep in his bones, and he can only imagine how it must be for Nick, having to fight so much harder every minute to have the energy Joe tries to never take for granted. He's too tired to make trouble, too tired to do anything slide under the covers beside Nick, letting himself get tugged close by his half-awake brother and falling asleep with his breath ghosting against Joe's cheek. 

\---

They wake up even closer than that, and for a moment Joe allows himself to feel nothing but contentment before he pulls himself reluctantly away. He tries to move smoothly, careful enough not to wake his brother, but Nick is further from sleep than Joe realizes, and as Joe tries to extract himself, Nick makes his awareness known, arms clamping down tight, holding Joe in his place.

He says, "Nick," soft and warning, more of a request than anything else, but Nick doesn't loosen his grip.

"Stay." Nick's command is final, and Joe's body relaxes against him before his mind has the time to order a conscious thought.

Nick kisses Joe's hair and hums in satisfaction, and Joe pretends he's close enough to sleep for the action to be excusable. 

\---

In less than twenty minutes they really _do_ have to get up, their 5 AM wake-up call coming all too soon.

Nick lets go of Joe reluctantly, his hands and eyes lingering on him for a long moment, but then he's up and all that longing is gone from Nick. He talks steadily about everything they have to do that day, showers and eats efficiently, hustling Joe to hurry and calling Kevin on his cellphone to save time, their day so crammed he doesn't have time to take the extra few minutes to walk down the hall and talk to his oldest brother in person.

Joe watches the morning unfold and himself move along with it, feeling strangely outside himself. The early morning touches between them echo in his mind, against his skin. He sings and answers questions and goes wherever he's told, but through all of it the feel of Nick's fingers are at the back of his mind, never far enough away to be just a reminder. 

\---

The next few days are so hectic Joe doesn't even have time to think about when they could get away, never mind actually plan for it. He can see Nick getting antsy, tension winding in his hands and words. He snaps at Kevin and Joe has to steer him out of the room, apologizing over his shoulder to the other people they're leaving behind, walking out in the middle of a meeting about the new stage. Joe doesn't bother to make apologies to Kevin. He wouldn't accept them anyway, wouldn't think it was something that was required, not from Joe or Nick.

They pass their mother while Joe is frog-marching a disturbingly pliant Nick back to their hotel room, and she looks at Joe questioningly for a minute but gives them space to keep moving past her, doesn't even say their names as they leave her behind.

When Joe closes the door behind them, Nick sags visibly with relief, slumping against the wall.   
  
Joe looks at him, incredulous. "What was that?" he demands, voice faint with anger, disbelief.

Nick shrugs, unconcerned, innocent. "I just needed to get away. I needed us to get away." 

"And you decided to take it out on Kevin?"

"He won't mind," Nick says, his voice even, unrepentant. 

Joe takes a step towards Nick and then two steps back, hand flying above his forehead saying, "Yeah, well maybe _I_ mind!"

Nick looks genuinely startled, as though he honestly hadn't considered this option.

"I'm sorry," he says slowly, like he's still not really sure what for. "I'll make it up to Kev. He was probably right about not doing that second set of flips anyway. We don't have time to get the practice in."

Joe wants to laugh, because of course, of _course_ Nick was still listening, still paying attention, even as he was master-minding a fake little diva fit so Joe would have a reason to drag him away, to make everyone else rearrangetwenty minutes out of their insanely packed day so Joe can calm him down the way they all trust only he can. 

Nick smiles at him, seeing that Joe is relenting, and because he's Nick, he shamelessly pushes his advantage, ducking into Joe's personal space, putting his hands at the base of Joe'sneck , massaging like he can see exactly where the knots are.

"I just really needed a break, that's all. If it wasn't the thing with Kevin it would have been something else," something _real_ , Joe fills in on his own, "and I just figured... you know. Get it out of the way."

Joe sighs, giving in but letting Nick know he really shouldn't get let so easily off the hook, and he tries to ignore the skip in his heartbeat with Nick grins at him, finally shy in his triumph.

Joe glares but pulls him close, hugging Nick like they both need and saying, "Next time leave the planning to me, though, okay, boy genius? I'm in charge of this operation for a reason."

Nick smiles against Joe's neck, and doesn't make any promises.

\---

Things are even more crazy after that, the final days and moments before they launch their new tour, the new album. Joe loves being on tour but he hates the days right before it, when anything and everything could go wrong and his insides coil with anticipation. Joe feels like he barely _sees_ Nick, never mind gets any kind of real time away with him. They're together almost every minute but it's not as them, it's as two thirds of the Jonas Brothers, delivering rehearsed answers and getting shuttled to a million different places in a day.

Joe feels his own nerves spiraling, rocketing up and down as they gauge the public's reaction to the new single, as they prepare for the first show, for theCD release. He gets through it because Nick is calm at his side. He's in business mode, earnest rock star mode, and it's not the Nick Joe loves best, not the goofy kid witha mean edge sometimes sneaking into his humor, not the sweet one who will see how tired Joe is before anyone else, brushing his hair out of his face and finding a way to talk him to sleep, but it's something. It's enough to remind Joe why they do this, why this is still his life and will be as long as he can have it. So he smiles for the reporters and the crowds and he sings for his brothers, and leaves the rest up toGod. 

\---

After their first show, when they bring Miley out as a surprise guest, Nick stays extra close to Joe, putting an arm around him the whole time he talks to her backstage.

She looks hopeful, Joe can see the way her eyes are quietly signaling for Nick to break away and find somewhere to talk with her alone, but Nick steadfastly ignores it. He doesn't ignore  _her_ ; they talk for a long time and he smiles at her jokes, makes nice like he really does want to be her friend again, but Joe can see that whatever else Miley was hoping for from Nick, she's not getting it.

When they finally say goodbye, Nick keeps a hand tightened around the hem of Joe's shirt even as he hugs her, and Joe waves awkwardly alongside Nick as he watches her leave.  
Once she's out of sight Nick sighs, relief and just sheer exhaustion from the show, and Joe orbits back closer into Nick's space without a thought. "Was it okay, seeing her again?"

They saw her plenty when they were recording the song, but Joe trusts Nick to know what he means. It's different on stage. Different live. Thoughts you didn't know you had, feelings you didn't realize were there get stirred up, catch you off guard.

But Nick just nods, smiling like he's figured out something out for sure and he's glad. "Yeah," he says, still nodding. "It was a nice goodbye."

\---

They're moving and moving, the shows are awesome and the crowds are better, sales aren't what they have been but Joe won't let that bother him so long as it isn't bothering Nick - they're still proud of the songs, they've still got a number one record. Everything is clicking, moving according to plan, and then suddenly in the middle of the insanity of tour Kevin gets freaking _engaged_ and , for a minute, everything stops. They're just brothers, a family again, and Joe is so, so happy for him. There's a flurry of press releases and phone calls, but Kevin is beaming, shinning through it all, and Joe feels nothing but an abiding contentment down to his toes.

That night though, after they've hugged Kevin a hundred times and shared their pride with the internet and the world, Nick climbs into bed with Joe with the lights still on, tucking himself right up against Joe's side, chin on his shoulder. Joe turns off the light, feeling oddly like they might need the dark for what's coming next.

Nick says, "I'm really happy for him," and Joe waits out the _but_ he can hear coming. It takes awhile, but Nick finally says, "It's gonna be different, though."

"Good different," Joe assures him, voice confident.

Nick nods a little, Joe can feel it against his skin, and Nick says, "He's not going to live at home anymore," voice small.

Joe puts his laugh into his voice, "Home's a bus, Nick."

Nick sighs a little and presses in closer against Joe, "Well, maybe he'll want his own bus, then."

Joe runs a hand through Nick's curls and kisses his forehead because Nick seems like he might need it. Or maybe because they both do. In truth, he hadn't gotten this far himself, hadn't really thought about what Kevin's engagement might mean, for them, for the band. He'd just been so happy for his brother. So glad he was getting one of the things he so richly deserved.

Nick is still tense against him, so Joe says, "Then maybe we'll get our own bus, too. Just me and you," and finally feels Nick go loose, limbs going lax around Joe.

"I'd like that," he says, voice suddenly clear and awake, and Nick reaches out and pulls one of Joe's hands to him, holding it tightly between his, "I'd like that a lot."

Joe just lies there, letting Nick hold his hand, and says, "Yeah, Nick. Me too."

\---

The tour restarts in earnest after the engagement party, where Nick clung hard to Joe's side in between the near endless hugging and handshaking necessitated by such an event. But even with the tour going amazingly well and the CD at number one, there are tons of rumors about the band splitting up following Kevin and Danielle's announcement, and they make Nick madder than Joe expects.

He paces around their hotel room in Utah, glaring at his computer. They've just updated their MySpace, trying to shut down the rumors with a long list of things still to come, and mostly it just left Joe tired. He wants to keep touring, keep singing, but all the stops in the way, the movie, the promotion... it's kind of making his head ache, just thinking about it.

Nick looks restless though, like he's upset the list wasn't longer, like he wishes he had a dozen more things he could tell the world he was going to do, challenges set for himself in public so he has to push himself to conquer them one by one.

Joe says, "I promise I won't run away from the band to pursue a brilliant acting career," and it's meant as a joke, but Nick jerks his head towards Joe sharply, eyes slightly wild.

He strides over to Joe and uses his shirt to haul him close, "I'm never going on a solo tour unless you're with me," he whispers harshly, like Joe doesn't know.

He pats Nick's shoulder as best he can crushed so tightly against him, bending his neck awkwardly so he can look Nick in the eyes. "I know that. Nick. It doesn't matter what people say, what the rumors are. It just matters what we know. And I know it's me and you, no matter what. I want that."

"Swear?" Nick says, still rough and wild.

"Yeah, Nick," Joe says easily, promising his future away, "I swear."

\---

They play the 4th of July show, taking a few hours out of their day to be together as a family, almost like a normal one, and then they're back on the road again. 

The next time they have a chance to get away, just the two of them, they're in Canada, somewhere with mosquitoes that are disturbingly large and follow them onto the bus. Joe slaps another one as he motions to Nick, two fingers curving in the direction of the door, and Nick nods, casual on the surface but intent, and he sidles over, making no sound as he exits cleanly from the bus.

Kevin chooses that minute to walk into the lounge, but he keeps right on walking, pretending he didn't see anything worth stopping for. Joe bites his lip for a minute, thinking of going after him, but Nick's out there waiting for him, and the decision is made on its own. There are more mosquitoes outside, and the sun is surprisingly hot. Joe makes a face, but Nick is grinning.

"I just saw a bus go by with an ad that says this place is the Slurpee capital of the world. Let's go find some."

Joe doesn't say anything, just falls into step with Nick, watching their backs as they duck between the two parked buses and make a nonchalant dash for the street. They get away without detection, and Joe breathes easier as they walk together. It takes them less than fifteen minutes to fall upon a gas station proclaiming it has Slurpee's for sale, and Nick rubs his hands together in satisfaction. 

"You can't even have one," Joe points out, wishing he didn't have to, but confused all the same.

Nick shrugs, unconcerned. "Yeah, but I can watch you have one." He smiles, and for a second Joe could swear it seems almost flirty, but then it shifts and its just Nick's regular smile again. Slightly cocky but mostly just happy, secure like Nick's confidence in himself.

Joe says, "If I get a brain freeze, it's on your head, dude," but pushes through the door without more than this token protest.

He gets the biggest size available, which is impressively large, and fills it with cream soda, grape and orange cause Nick wants to see what color it turns his tongue. They pay and walk outside, going to sit on a near by curb so Joe can drink while Nick watches, chin propped up on a curved hand. 

"Is it good?" Nick asks after a few minutes, voice strangely rough, eyes locked on Joe's mouth. 

He finishes a long pull on the straw and sticks out his tongue at Nick, making him laugh and sway away from Joe, swinging back to knock their sides together.

"The purple won," Nick informs Joe, proud like they'd bet on it, even though it wasn't even discussed.

Joe says, "That's great, Nick," and Nick nudges with his shoulder, silently telling him to drink more. Joe does, and he's glad for the excuse of the sugar to explain why he feels so light-headed. 

\---

They sleep in the same bed again that night. Joe's begun to notice that they always do, now, after one of their secret outings. He knows he should think about what it means, should worry about the lines they are so casually erasing, as if they were ever there are all, but he likes the new addition to the routine too much to make waves. Likes coming out of the bathroom and finding Nick already in bed waiting for him, likes the nights they fall instantly to sleep and the nights they never even get there, staying up talking with their faces pressed together until morning comes.   
\---

They wind closer and closer together after Kevin's engagement, enough that Joe notices it in their waking moments too, all throughout their days, not just the stolen snatches of time they get to be alone together. 

They've always been close, the closest of any of them, but Joe feels it building into something more than that now.

Nick's more openly propitiatory, possessive of Joe's space and time. At first, Joe just thinks it's because they haven't had much time to be by themselves, the tour is keeping them far too busy and he thinks Nick might just be cracking a little under the strain of it, but there's very little innocence left between their encounters now, little room to pretend it's normal to be this wanting of moments only together. When they do get away for a few hard won minutes in the day, locked up in their hotel room or crammed into the same bunk, they hold on to each other too tight, talking in whispers. 

Something's coming and Joe tells himself he doesn't know what it is until it's too late to stop it, too late to say he doesn't want the things he's been pretending they haven't been building to since always. 

They're in Philly, July is almost at an end, and it's been a long, claustrophobic day. Kevin's been as close to distracted as he ever comes since the engagement, so managing every single moment of their days has fallen more solidly on their father's shoulders lately, and even though Joe still trusts that he at least means well, he usually depends on having Kevin as a buffer between himself and their father, between their father and Nick. Nick's still young enough in their parents eyes that they don't always treat him as the man he is, and it irks Joe, and even though he hides it better, he knows it frustrates Nick, too.

He knows it from the way Nick plays harder at shows, hurling his energy out of himself through his guitar, through his voice. He knows it in the way Nick doesn't stay any longer than absolutely necessary at the family dinner they scrape together in the hotel restaurant that night, claiming a headache and balling up his napkin a little too emphatically to be argued with. Joe gets up and follows him and no one tries to stop _him_ either. His departure is expected, his place at Nick's heels unquestioned.

He catches up to Nick waiting in the hall across from the elevator, leaning against the wall, waiting. Joe smiles, soft enough to let Nick know he's going to get his way, whatever it is, and sees Nick's shoulders relax.

"Movies, tonight?" he asks Joe, still hopeful even though he knows he isn't going to be fought. "Just crash and watch stuff about talking animals until we fall asleep?" He looks like he's half there already, and Joe comes closer, putting an arm around his shoulders.

"Sure, Nick. Whatever you want."

\---

They prop up all the pillows from both beds onto the one that has a better view of the TV, and Nick surfs through the channels while Joe orders them some relatively diabetes friendly junk-food. Nick eyes him, and he requests some diet coke to get sent up as well.

Nick smiles at Joe when he's done, holding up an arm and waiting for Joe to take his place beneath it. He crawls over to Nick and snuggles close, breathing Nick in. He smells like shoe polish and Irish spring soap and Joe burrows his head deeper into the crook of Nick's neck.

Nick sighs in contentment, adjusting his hold on Joe to keep him close while he changes the channel with his other hand. He eventually settles a showing of _You've Got Mail_ that's just started and Joe doesn't protest. It's no secret between them that he's a sucker for the romantic comedy. 

About half-way through Joe feels himself drifting dangerously close to sleep, and he murmurs against Nick's neck to keep him awake. He expects a laugh and an elbow in the side, but what he gets is Nick hauling Joe half onto his lap, manhandling him until he's upright and straddling Nick's waist.

He gasps out Nick's name, and then Nick's hands are moving, one coming to palm the back of Joe's neck, guiding him closer, and the other cradling his jaw, Nick's thumb brushing against Joe's bottom lip. Joe's heart is drumming so hard and fast he's afraid it's going to bust out of his chest.

"Now would be a good time to stop me," Nick says, voice husky, swallowing and pulling back a fraction, "if you want."

Joe's head shakes frantically, knocking his teeth together, and Nick's hand tightens against his jaw, slowing his movement, "Easy," his voice is rough and low, but almost hypnotically soothing, and Joe finds himself able to comply.

"I'm going to kiss you, now," Nick says, almost like a warning, one last chance for Joe to be sure.

He rocks closer against Nick and responds, "Kiss me, Nick. Kiss me."

And so Nick does.

\---

Their times alone are different after that. What were once simple afternoons spent enjoying the calm and contentment that only each other's company could bring become furtive rendezvous filled with charged moments between them, pushing at more and more boundaries just to see how far the other will let them go.

Nick gets daring under the flush of his new found freedom to touch, holding Joe's hand under diner tables and dragging him into bathroom stalls to kiss him until Joe has to stagger back, gasping for breath. They go out longer, more often, taking chances Joe never would have before, risking getting caught, risking more than that.

Joe knows they need to get it together, knows it's on him to take control of this heat and recklessness between them, but he can't seem to make himself slow down when Nick is urging him to go faster, can't keep his feet on the ground when Nick is coaxing him to greater and greater heights.

\---  
After the Teen Choice Awards and the Phoenix show, they have a day's downtime, and in a rare moment of allowing parental concern to outweigh business interests, their father takes Joe up on his weeks long campaign to reschedule the interviews they have for that day so they get an actual day off. Kevin helps convince him, eager for more time with Danielle. Once they've got their way, it's easy enough to pretend all he and Nick want is a day relaxing in their hotel room. Easy enough for Nick to act more tired than he really is, to get ordered by their mother to take it easy, just spend the day inside. Easy enough to promise that and then get left alone so they can sneak out the fire escape.

They're in Texas; not home, but San Antonio will do for the time being. They mill around down town for a few hours, the streets packed, bustling, and Nick tries a few times to grab for Joe's hand, but he pretends like he doesn't notice Nick doing it, nonchalantly increasing his steps or gesturing unnecessarily, raising his fingers out of Nick's reach.

By lunch he can see Nick's getting upset, becoming withdrawn and quiet, his confusion threatening to turn into anger. Joe can't get a handle on the situation, on Nick's reactions. He depends on always being able to predict what Nick is going to do next, but his instincts are failing him and he finds himself half afraid that Nick is actually going to start something in the middle of the shoe store he still let Joe drag him into. Joe thinks about pulling him into the nearest dressing room and having it out in there but it's too exposed, there are too many teenagers around - someone is bound to recognize them if they draw any extra attention to themselves. So instead he parts ways with the purple loafers he really wanted to try on and pulls Nick out of the store with a hand clamped down hard on his shoulder. He marches them down the street, gets them a few blocks away and into a dingy looking Chinese restaurant that's almost deserted.

Nick still looks mildly mutinous, but he behaves himself while the hostess shows them to their table. It's one right at the back, not even visible from the front entrance or the windows looking out onto the street. It's a shitty table, but Joe could kiss her for it.

When they're alone, Nick goes from defiant to openly hurt, and Joe wants to put his head in his hands.

"What do you want from me, Nick? Huh? You want me to let you get us caught, like this?" He says, reaching out violently and snatching up Nick's hand, waving it between them. "You want to bring the media down us, let everything we've built get torn apart, and for what? For _wh at_, Nick?" He's angry, so confused, because none of this makes sense, nothing about Nick's behavior even seems like it's _him_ anymore, and it's scaring Joe shitless. 

"For us," Nick answers stonily, and far quicker than Joe expected.

He widens his eyes and opens his mouth, gaping at him incredulously. "For _us_ , Nick?"

"You don't want that?" Nick demands, voice going suddenly faint, face losing all its color.

Joe doesn't understand how they're having this conversation, "I can't _have_ that, Nick. We can't ever have it. Not even if we give all this up, the band, the fame, all of it. We'd still be brothers, don't you... this would still be something we have to keep hidden."

"I _know_ that," Nick says, looking almost sick at the thought that Joe is so far from the point.

"Then what? Nick, I don't... I don't know what you want from me, here."

Nick's face hardens, he leans over the table, still holding Joe's hand, close enough for their foreheads to touch. "I know we can't... have this. Not really. But couldn't we... don't you wish?" He closes his eyes and backs off, pulling himself together until his voice can be even when he says, "We could pretend, sometimes. If we wanted. For just a little while, we could pretend."

Joe looks down at the table between them, looks at their hands twined together, both of their knuckles white from how tightly they're holding on. He says, "Okay, Nick. Just for a little while," and doesn't let go.


End file.
